Efate
Blue
Insanity_In-Solitude : Something from Nothing.
Sweet surrender..
(To control ones self.)
[Mood] If only
[Time] 10:08 PM 01/06/03
My talk tonight, at Antioch was all about controlling yourself, so as to not hurt others by your stray anger. To do the 'christian' thing, take in the pain they want to deal to you and give them nothing but kindness ir response. I feel like such a hypocryt right now. I feel such anger, such a craving for vengance, and its not justified. The people that caused this grievance probably have no idea what being kind to others is, or they justify their actions by telling themselves they're in the right. Its disheartening that I struggle so hard to control my actions, while they continue to live uninhibited. Can a human being really arrest their nature and alter themselves? Can we 'change our spots'? Am I wasting my energy trying to better myself should I just become another net-ass. That doesnt apeal to me anywhere near as much as it used too. The reasons for avoiding the easy path? Sweet dreams, I could be lazy, but I'd rather be in a suit, I'd rather become a gentleman, somebody who me now would look up to. Beanoverse, here's toasting to your health. I hope your doing well with the people who apreciate you.

There is of coarse a reason I want to improve myself. To be a gentleman, you cant just change the superficial. You need to alter your insides, you need to take away your instinct to destroy all those that hurt you, because that instinct is the remaining nature from our time as animals within nature itself, where nothing will hurt you unless they mean to kill you and eat you. There are more reasons to chang eyour nature. Its difficult to apreciate another persons personality, their mind, until you get past their body. The body is important in a physical way, the nature of the human animal is to seek, healthy, strong mates in order to produce a healthy and strong next generation. However, I am not particularly interested in the next generation. I dont want to have kids until I know I can look after their needs. So right now all I want to do is get to know people for who they are, not what they are. Its harder than it seems, conversation is so unnatural comming from me. Hopefully though, people will get the idea, that Im starting conversations to learn more about them, not to yap about myself.
Then I'll just have to remember them... its harder than it sounds.
END - 10:57 PM
Would you listen to yourself.
(Bad day, bad start.)
[Mood] Shut up
[Time] 11:02 PM 26/05/03
Its amazing how much your opinion can change of somebody when you here them talk like they're in control. How people talk when they believe they're in the right. Its nothing like believing your in the right to close your eyes, it doesnt matter what kind of direction people try to make them see from, the believe absolutely that they are correct. Nothing will sway them. It seems to me that the measure of a person's ignorance is how they closed they keep their eyes. How much they refuse to see, and how loud they can get proclaiming they're right by their own hypcritic standards... and people wonder why I chose to just shut up.
Buffy now, more later.
Its easy to feel insecure when you havent really dont anything to justify your existance. If I had a job, I could say I'm doing a task, Im earning my pay, Im paying my way. But I dont have a job.
Im not a beautiful person that others love to spend time with, so its not like I can find a reason to exist in them.
Im not hugely talented, Im not artist that cant reason that I exist to create something wonderful.
Its irritating and depressing, but I really dont feel like I can see around the blockade in my life which is stopping me from moving forward. Not that its a big blockade, compared to some of the problems that other people have faced and overcome on earth, but this problem seems big to me, or more likely Im just refusing to budge from my point of view. I see the problem as big because I've never done a lap around it. I've got so much I need to do before friday, I'll have to give up all 'fun' until its done. It shouldnt' be hard, not at all.

I dont want to explain why, but tonight I was furiously jealous of somebody for simply having a conversation. Its irritating, how I have such a singular want. I shouldnt be jealous of friends having other friendships. Its nasty, and must keep it in check. Which in turn, means I need to spend more time thinking about whatever I feel, thinkinga bout what I feel, as well as what I do. I think I'll end up a concrete slab of thinking.
END - 11:59 PM
Sex, sex, sex, oh and buy our brand.
(Distracted by chemicals.)
[Mood] Closed.
[Time] 09:46 PM 25/05/03
I feel to easily distracted, I guess I've always been this way, I've just not cared too much about it up until now when I have to listen most carefully to people in order to connect with them. I found my mind wandering to an incredably nasty 'lynx' ad, or at least it's some kind of deoderant. In the ad, a good looking man enters an elevator in an obvious dash somewhere and sprays himself with the deoderant, the next man who enters the lift (isnt as attractive) ends up alone in the lift with a very attractive woman, who then pushes the stop button. The scene returns when the lift doors open, both of them look very... physicalled, the woman is fixing her skirt. There are several variants on the add, one has a woman that looks like some kind of sex-goddess(Looks like a dressed pornstar.) step into the lift, another has arather large female dog step into the lift. I guess they wanted to have some fun in the add. Why has it stuck in my head? well, the music is catchy, the idea is catchy (I hate advertising like this.) I mean, why do they sell stuff direct at the guys pants rather than his head. Sex sells, but why? Are we all so doused up on hormones that we want to jump in the sack with every half healthy female we encounter? I wont answer that, because I think I may know guys who would answer yes. Why does it have to be this way? I hate modern advertising. All the time, you cant turn on the TV without 'sexual tension' being brought up. Its reached the case where I watch a movie on TV and immediately start looking for the main characters love interest. Love interest isnt the right word, but its a term used on script so it sticks. Sex has become so seperated from sex that I can hardly believe the two connect. Lets review.
Love is connectring with somebody on an even playing field, kindness flows automatically from love, love can be one-sided, love has been 'idolized' by poets everywhere who try to capture the one feeling of initial love, and by doing so raised peoples expectation of love far to high. That feeling does exist, for around 3 days, after that, just like the passion, it wears off leaving a much more quiet love. You can love somebody, without wanting to jump in the sack with them. You can, through faith, love complete strangers... well, I dont think I can, but Im told its possible.
Sex is the act of stripping off enough clothes that in some way 2 (or more) people can try to achieve an orgasm. Sex has been 'idolized' by the porn industry and modern media, trying to capture our attention to their product or products. Like love, people's expectations of sex are way to high.

Its the kind of stupid thing that I really get irritated by. The idea that sex is some sort of game, when infact, it is the biological mechanism which insures a new generation. Speaking from an 'after the fact' point of view, I believe 'random' sex is one of the worst possible things a person can do to their body, especially for a girl, since they may have to carry the consequences for the rest of their lives. To face the grief of abortion, or to grow up with only one parent, or even none because they werent ready... its a unique pain. To fail to understand family, is a burden, especially when you see other families every day. They may not be happy with each other all the time, but they're still together. I hope they understand the gift they've been given in each other, I hope that one day they can turn to each other, and say with a heart full of appretiation 'Thankyou for being beside me, I love you', to the sibling/parents they fought with as they grew up.
END - 10:11 PM
Once bitten, twice shy.
(I've had enough.)
[Mood] Thoughtful
[Time] 05:35 PM 25/05/03
Xenogears, yup, Xenogears, still never played it, still looking for an actual copy of the soundtrack. Well, not looking to hard at the moment, dont have even half the estimated price that it should sell for on ebay etc, not that I actually check ebay at all. The music of Xenogears is like a soundtrack to life itself, sometimes fast and furious, sometimes deep and thoughtful, often soothing sometimes joyful. You know, one of my 'pet hates' are people who tend to think their own problems are so much harsher than other peoples... I know quite a few people like this now, but what can I do? Being in Antioch has taught me, in the very least that each persons problem is big to them. The people who tend to think this is a problem competition just havent realized that everybody else has problems to, we just dont whine and complain about them as much as they do. However, does this mean the people who talk about their problems a lot have less problems than the ones who bottle them up? Heck no, as I said, each persons problem is big to that person. Funnilly enough Im leading a pretty problem free life right now, when my biggest problem is finding money to buy comic books its safe enough to say life is sweet.
However, it isnt quite as good for other people, for example, a friend of mine, who I care about has recently lost somebody very important to her, her grandpa who died from cancer. What can I do about this? Nothing, people die all the time. I cant even really comfort her because I cant comprehend her sorrow, I've never lost anybody that close to me. The only advice I can give her is to keep on living, if you let your sorrow devour your life then it would probably be better that you died on that day instead. It sounds cruel, it sounds extreme, but in my ears its ringing pretty true. My mother is great example of how sorrow devours. Enough said about that.

I've realized that some of the most dangerous people to me in my life right now are the people closest to me. Big surprise there, the closer we are, the deeper we hurt. But then there's worse. What if they asked something of me, would I be able to say no? I have trouble saying no to strangers, to classmates it always seemed to end in maybe. If the ones closest to me ask me something, that sets alarm bells off in my head warning me to say no, I may just ignore it and say yes anyway. Clearly this is a pattern of self destruction, its the reason for many 'break ups' I've had. Simply because I know I have a limit, and I know when I cross that limit I will punish myself, I dont know which is worse, knowing that Im my greatest torment or knowing that I keep breaking my own rules. Funnilly enough though, I dont think I'll ever be asked again, because now that I know how much it hurts in my heart, any kind of gain from it seems insignificant. Is this how wisdom is formed? You make the mistake, burn yourself, forever have the scar to remind you of the pain.
Tonight, I'll be taking a good long look at how I treat others, because I want to be at home in a suit. Being kind and helpful may be different from how I've lived so far, but I know they're infinitely better than bitter and 'cool'.
Its the fool who plays it cool, making the world a little colder.
END - 06:00 PM
Perhaps Im a little deaf?
(I keep missing words.)
[Mood] Say what?
[Time] 09:59 AM 21/05/03
I keep getting the feeling that Im a little deaf, perhaps some kind of selective deafness which means I'll only miss key words, important key words though, words like 'dont' which will enter my brain like 'do' which can lead for a totally different result in the conversation. Nothing really important has been damaged, but its irritating to have to ask somebody to repeat what they just said. I guess its ok as long as people dont start thinking that I simply dont listen to them, which may infact be the case. I've never had lessons in listening, plus recently I've found I've been having trouble reading books, properly taking in the words due to simply skimming over the pages. What a waste, to skim over conversations.
Tonight though, I realized something, randomly breaking into song at any given time of day may be a symptom of happyness. Breaking into song, smiling, telling bad jokes just so your saying something. Looking people directly in the eye rather than shying away like somebody who knows they're somehow worth less than dirt. No, Im actually having fun again, its sure been a while. Between study, playing games and meeting people. I sit at AJAS and no longer feel lonely, I feel surounded by people I know, even a little about. Though I still dont remember their names now Im confident enough to go up and say a few words if I need too.
Something else happened today too, Chibi_Nezu mentioned the other day that Border's book store in the city had a graphic novel section, so I decided to check it out during the break today, oh sweetness, they had the 2 graphic novels I needed to complete the 'No Need for Tenchi' set, 9 and 10, they also had the first book of the 'all new Tenchi Muyo' series. Of coarse these all cost 34$ each, which means the money I got from selling the spare Mechwarrior LE's I got at the nationals. I still cant buy them all now, I need some spare cash to handle bus tickets, art supplies and cold drinks on long days. Not to mention the horrible cost of movie tickets lately, I may not get to ese the Matrix:Reloaded for another 3 weeks. Its time like these I wish I had a more stable income.

I dont want to be rich, but I want to feel secure, which may or may not happen if I ever get loads of cash. I get the feeling that the feeling of security has to come from within and nothing outside me can help me get it. Well, maybe my own house, but the wise little guy on my shoulder reminds me that I can feel insecure in my own home. I used to dream about making some kind of 'online home' called h3r3, because thats all it was, a place in the shape of a home. That dream faded when I realized that the internet isnt a place, its just a connection, I cant share a place where a place cant be made. For some reason, all the people I've tried to get back in contact with via the internet have been awol. MSN proves once again that very few people will turn it on email proves unreliable consistantly, I have no idea if the mail even arrives so I dont bother expecting a reply. Eventually I'll forget I've even sent something. I've had one or two bad experiances with roleplay lately, Im worried it will follow me to where-ever I move onto, not that its anything too serious. A few inexperianced players, the ones who wont accept advice and get 'in your face' at the suggestion that maybe their character is too off the wall. Other roleplayers should notice their lack of experiance. But a lack of experiance doesnt make their opinion any less valid. When I was losing myself in that horrible little chat I was more frustrated and agitated than I have ever been in real life. Losing the chat drove me nuts. Having to deal consistantly with people who 'arnt in it for the right reason' is so frustrating, but who can say what the right reason is. I know Im not the one to judge that. Hopefully a fresh start with experianced, open minded people, because experianced open minded people wont cause the same trouble that inexperianced players do... but then maybe Im just drawring the same distinction that started this mess for me in the first place. I used to be the kind of guy that took new players under his wing, then I became one that shunned them for their inexperiance. Now that I've seen both sides of the coin, I think the better way to do it is simply remain a student. Always question, never stop learning. You can't really stop learning anyway, unless you already think you know everything, in which case your mind is just too closed to pick up the pieces of experiance others leave for you.
END - 11:31 AM
I think, I wonder, I hope, I wish...
(Maybe, a new friend.)
[Mood] Direct.
[Time] 10:07 AM 20/05/03
Being a practical hermit with few social outlets doesnt help when your trying to read between the lines of how welcome you are in any given situation. A good example of this is yesterday, I went to the AV Con meeting at NEil's and found myself doing nothing. Drew a scribble, put in two cents about the shirt, other than that watched NEil's brother play FF10, which looks sweet by the way.
When Chibi_Nezu decided to leave early, I thought 'what a wonderful opertunity to escape, and not be bored on the bus'. Chibi_Nezu is: Quiet. I found myself asking her all sorts of strange (some repeated) questions to maintain the conversation. Then, out of weakness, I went to her house with a friend of hers and we all sat around drawring, coloring, laughing. It was the first time in my life I spontaneusly stuck around for dinner at somebodies house. (Dinner at Nezu's=Good.) Then left at about 9, I hadnt even realized how the time flew.
Maybe, Nezu is my new friend.
I've been thinking about it a bit lately, trying to define what friendship is, what makes a good friend, how to make friends. All the people I know in Adelaide fall into two groups Antioch Buddies or Anime Pals, each defined from where I met them. My buddies I know through church, they're all good people and I dont mind spending time with them at all. All we have in common is youth and faith, though I feel like a bit of a black sheep on the faith department. Its ok, we get along and share our problems... and hugs. I can hug my buddies whenever, I'll talk more on why this is important later. As for my Pals, we share lots of hobbies, catch up about twice a week (L5R, Anime, Videogames.) they're all very much their own people, we dont share emotion and generally our conversations are about only the topic of the moment or lingering topics related to the clubs. Recently I was lucky enough to get the AV Con art comittee around to my room for meetings. Which was great, I got to know Plufim more and Nezu too. I feel almost, connected. Thus the problem. I havent been connected to anybody in years, only through the internet and then not so often, especially now that I dont have the net anymore. I'd rather spend time with people Im connected with than alone. I am my greatest torment after all.
For the longest time I loathed contact. Touching other people was like being exposed to a disease, my last girlfriend couldn't understand that kissing made me want to throw up. Im still not over it, fearful of holding hands, but through Antioch there has become one exception to the rule. Through antioch I have learned to enjoy embracing others, mentally and in what I term as a 'hug.' Hugs are great, my favorite coat is a huggable coat, its rather 'plush'. I feel so at peace in a hug. Hugging is an act of trust, its saying to someone, 'I trust you to hold me, do you trust me too?' When held by somebody else, and holding them its like the mutal warmth melts the cold feelings and relaxes. Though, I cant seem to bring myself to hug people that wear 'minimalist' clothing. Big jumpers, long pants, coats etc make for increased huggability. I guess all this sums up why hugs are important to me.
END - 10:29 AM
Human, Animal.
(Bio-logic, Young and stupid.)
[Mood] Weak
[Time] 11:00 PM 18/05/03
Suit. Well, suity, as I often refer to it. A suit, as I describe it is a jacket, pants, shirt combo, all well cared for and neat. A well tended man in a well tended suit. This could be called a 'dream' of mine. I dont like looking scruffy and slack like I often do. However, the 'suit factor' isnt just about wearing a suit, the whole thing is based around some kind of fantasy, melded from old movies and Sailor Moon, I dont want to be just a well tended man in a suit, I want to be well tended gentleman in a suit. I believe the word for it is 'chivalry' or something similar. A well mannered gentleman, the kind of man that gives his jacket to a woman in the rain because its the nice thing to do. Yeah, its taking a big step backward in regaurds to feminine power... I know that, but I dont really care to much. I'd rather treat women with higher regaurd than the sex objects that modern media pushes them as. I hate modern women's fashion. I dont like the whole 'low jeans, high underwear' thing. Clothes are meant to be functional for movement but also to protect ones body from the weather. Im sure it cant be comfortable to wear clothes that show so much skin.
The second downside to wearing such revealing clothing, the fact that modern media pushes sex so much into the public vision that its difficult to get it out of your mind. Im told that most guys surveyed think about sex almost constantly, that its a biological thing, if it didnt exist, humanity may well be extinct by now.
But its not really like that is it? I dont want my life ruled by sex, I want to believe in love, I want to believe that people can still think with their brain rather than only with their ... well, lets leave that there.
I've lived a much to sheltered life, this world is an enigma to me. A good example of this enigma is drinking. Alchahol is a poison, I have never tasted an alchaholic drink that could not be improved by removing the grog. It doesnt particularly appeal to me to drink them over other, nicer beverages. The same deal with coffee, its bitter and doesnt really do anything for me. I'd much rather chocolate milk over iced coffee, but then I guess Im still a kid at heart. I had another lime milkshake the other day, it was nice, but certainly not as good as my last one. Im worried that perhaps, I had one good lime milkshake, but then I idolized it so much that no other lime milkshake will stand up to the ideal. A real shame as lime milkshakes are a little known wonder. Like citrus ice-cream, anime and doona.
Second Note: Right now, I feel kind of empty, like the niggling little things I have trouble forgiving seem to eat away at my heart until my ribs are hollow and broken in. Hugging another person, somebody I care about, is like filling that gap and warming whats left of my heart. Its a great feeling, and very distracting from the problems of the world. Holding another in my arms, its definately a love thing, not a sex thing.
END - 12:29 AM
Fight Club Re-visited.
(I am people, I am stupid.)
[Mood] Denial
[Time] 01:52 PM 18/05/03
Sat down and watched the majority of 'Fight Club' again today, I'll try to avoid spoilers for those of you that have yet to see it but its an enlightening experiance. The first time I watched it, it rocked my world. I've wanted to stand on my own two feet for so long that I forget sometimes that Im to close to my own picture to be able to make it out clearly, I need somebody else to look in and tell me whats wrong. Not an easy thing to do when I dont take criticism from others well. I just dont want to hear where Im going wrong, though I try to stomach it well with the knowledge that I know I wont like it, but its probably good for me anyway. I keep losing my definition of friend and replacing it with something new, bouncing between 'somebody I enjoy spending time with' and 'somebody I can count on' there are a few people in definition A but very few people in definition B. So few, that when I alter to definition B I end up feeling lonely and depressed. My friend is interstate so I've got nobody to count on at all. The only people that care about me here are the family that I live with. Im trying not to let them down, but I do, I get the feeling all the time that Im letting them down. I guess their care must not mean as much to me as I believe it does, because Im letting them down and then telling myself the lie that it'll be alright. There are only two states somethign can be in: Growth or Decay, if something isnt growing then its decaying.
A prime example of this is 'internet community' such as message boards and mailing list. If the enthusiasm of participants isnt growing along witht he number of participants then the place is in a state of decline. Gradually emptying as people just decide to stop visiting all together. People (Admins) often kid themselves about this, believing that the few that leave each day dont relaly matter anyway, but they do, because if more enthusiasm doesnt come in, then the place is on a downward cycle. Spirralling into the drain. Friendship can be like that too, if you let it decay, then it may never recover. I lost a definition A friend this way, he turned around and stabbed me in the back when I tried to do something kind for him on my visit to melbourne. Shit happens, he can go back to being lonely if this is how he treats his friends. I really hope I never treat any of my friends the way he's treated me, if I did that, I'd never be able to forgive myself for throwing away a friendship.
END - 02:10 PM
Without a word.
(No wonder Im lonely.)
[Mood] Ninja
[Time] 11:16 PM 17/05/03
Pessimism, my general defence against ever stepping out on a limb and taking a chance. Its now turning around and biting me There's been something on my mind just recently, what it is I dont care to share to much. Its a dream I wouldn't dare ask for. In my eyes, a dream that could never exist. Until my gaurdian mind awakens more. For now I will simply dream, and try to stop thinking about it.
Speaking of dreams, if you know me, you'll know I say I have no dreams for my life, I didnt get any growing up and now Im left directionless in the sea of life. Having no real goal, being just easygoing enough to be comfortable in my rut. This may not be true though. I am remembering that I did have some dreams at some point. I knew I must have. For example, I draw, well, not really all that well, but I've been doing it for a long time. What do I draw? Structure. I really like structure, buildings and machines, robotics and clothing. Organic eludes me, symetry and the like, but structure thats lovely for me. When I was young, I would draw structure, buildings, moving bases, I guess I must have had some deep longing for a really secure home. But any deep psychological reasons aside, having a home, a stable, comfortable home could be a goal, a serious goal. Long ago I realized that any such security would have to come through the assisstance of community, living alone is simply waiting to die. A single mistake alone and you can slip away into a crawling abyss of uncertainty.
You need community, a family structure, and no 'nuclear age family' either. No, the family structure must be strong. A community which becomes a family of family. Yes, the path to a secure future isnt wealth. Anyone with a stout mind and tolerance for hard work can amass wealth, no the pass to a secure future is through family strength.
Its funny really, I think many people dont realize this fact because they do have family to support them, or they still believe that independance is a worthwhile goal. How much I envy the people who say to me: "Gee my brother/sister is a pain", they dont realize the beauty of the situation. Yes, siblings can be a pain, but there's a reason you havent frractured apart irreversably, hopefully, because your strong as a family.
ToDo List: Schoolwork, AV-Con stuff, Web-stuff.
It's taken me about a week but I've finally distracted myself enough to stop thinking, the problem is, now Im thinking about all the potential negatives instead. Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance. At least the weather's nice. Grey's my color. I hope it rains all week. ^__^
END - 12:41 AM
< Actual Picture
Efate Blue =
A key that unlocks no doors, but may do something in windows.
Likes = Hugs, art, winter.
Dislikes = Kisses, people, judgement.
Dreams = Nullified by pessimism.
Currently Reading = Chobits.
Quote o' the moment =
You can tell the mental age of a roleplayer by observing and comparing a few of their posts, older roleplayers tend to post with things such as gravity and logical consequence. Though spelling, and grammer may be a better measure of the posters care.

[Past]
Something from Nothing =
This page is soemthing I threw together the other day in dreamweaver, the main idea being what I could make out of tables and html without images for the spiffy curves we all know and love. Considering that the page has reached a poitn where some of the tables would probably be smaller as Gif's then I guese I've achieved my goal, although, there's always the possibility that I could stretch this into some kind of bizzarre html art.

Im lonely, but making friends is a very difficult process...