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| Insanity_In-Solitude |
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Because of that, its killing me inside. Monday, March 25th, 6:29 pm. I will come for you at night time, I will raise you from your sleep I will kiss you in four places I'll go running along your street I will squeeze the life out of you You will make me laugh and make me cry We will never forget it You will make me call your name and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky We may never meet again So shed your skin and lets get started And you will throw your arms around me I dreamed of you at night time And I watched you in your sleep I met you in high places I touched your head and touched your feet So if you disappear out of view You know, I will never say goodbye Though I try to forget it You will make me call your name and I'll shout it to the blue summer sky We may never meet again So shed your skin and lets get started And you will throw your arms around me Yeah you will throw you arms around me (repeat to end) (Hunters And Collectors) Right now, I just want somebody to say, that saying goodbye is the strong and right thing to do. Because I dont ever want to run away ever again. NEVER, I want to destroy that which I would run away to. Because all this running isnt worth the pain. And we may never meet again, so shed your skin (past) and lets get started... and you may throw, your arms around me. ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on R-Fansite. Listen to: Throw your arms around me - Hunters and collectors. Still, tired... why. I know she doesnt read my journal now, because she's still online... and she hasnt said goodbye to me. I wish, goodbye didnt exist. Because whenever I say it, I believe it will be forever. Ragnarok Online Monday, March 25th, 8:52 am. Have you ever played Diablo, or Diablo 2... yes? Good then you've played Ragnarok online. Its a game, with a pretty 3d background and a decent story apparently right up until you start playing the game. You see there's a thing about Massive Multiplayer Online RPG's... they're stupid, because the majority of players that jump on them are stupid. Characters become idle tools for hours of clicking fun. Endlessly slaughtering the vague inahbitants of whatever world you choose to attack. In Ragnarok online though, none of the creatures even attack as far as I've seen... infact, they all wander around like docile lambs to the slaughter from as far as I've seen in the game. And a stupid game it is. Its pretty, but thats the only good point that remains once you've played for a little while. There is no RP, there is no story. There is just the endless waves of people slaughtering endless waves of monsters with idle clicks. How I hate the hours I've wasted on it so far. I can only admire the pretty landscape for so long, then I've had my fill and its time to move on. I've seen how much of a waste of time Diablo 2 was, I wont bother wasting another lot of time on Ragnarok online. The fansite I had plans to create will still happen, it will be a story of my character's journy of discovery, both internally and externally that led him to where I will leave him. I feel awful now for inviting Kei and Kabuki to join me playing the game. I only wanted them there, because the only way I can stand that game is to play with friends. I suppose, before I became aware Kei and I really were friends... I really dislike that I invited her to that mecha-message board now. I would rather burn every link that binds us together than continue the pain on both sides. How ironic, that I learn. I forgot love, I forgot my pride, I decided to give up and give in. Only to discover that this freedom opened my eyes to the fact that the pain, hers and mine far outweighed anything either of us had gained from knowing each other. ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on R-Fansite. Listen to: Superman - Five For Fighting Still, tired... why. Im switching on AIM now, just to see if you're online. Because I want to take you in my arms and draw comfort from you. Just like my embrace brought you comfort in the past. Care=Zero ... Invincible Heart Mode Monday, March 25th, 8:52 am. Blasphemy. I am a god. In my truth though, Im am merely an 'image' of the real God, who I wont discuss here. However, I will discuss the fact that I am a reflection of the most powerful idea in existance. We all are, we all have a little piece of his power within us. We just give it away. Always. For our petty earthly desires and wants. For now Im going to put aside this idea and focus. I am a god. Skin, over Muscle, over Bone. I am real, I am strong. I can have absolute power over my reality as soon as I stop giving it away to people who dont want it anyway. I preside at the center of my world and all its strings lead to me. As long as I am alive I have the power to be happy. My hands can become fists, as my breathing becomes hard it feels like I could breath fire on a whim. Suddenly, my heart is invincible. I realize again, that I've been giving myself away. My heart is strengthened from every dagger, from every sharp point others would stick into it. The strength is inspired by many things. Hate being a big part of it. I realized, that its my care for people that opens me up to damage every single time. Its my weakness to kindness that lures me back when Im sure I need to move on. It is this weakness that made me bring such pain to her, again... I had no intention but it followed me back. Its time to kill such a weakness. At least I can for now. Though Im desperately tired, It all seems clear. If I am their pain, then our bonds must break. The bridges that bind us must burn and never be rebuilt. But I cannot burn that last bridge, because there's somebody I want to protect on the other side. The reality seemed so simple, we were almost friends again, but then I drifted offline, and she wasnt there when I returned. So I went back. Back to that awful place to read her open journal. Again, the proof was right there. More pain, too much pain. Pain I never wanted to cause. Pain I never wanted to remember. I am not a pain-bringer. I wish, I was only kindness. The Rainy Day Man. However if all I am is pain to them. Then I simply wont exist and grant them the gift of a painless existance. The second goodbye... but this time, I'll do it right. There will be no second return. This time, I'll say goodbye. Because I want this to be painless and final. There, its said, my resolve is gone but Im free again. Now, once again I have the power to be the master of my world. I'd rather hurt you honestly, Than mislead you with a lie, And who am I to judge you, On what you say or do? I'm only just beginning to see the real you. Sometimes When We Touch ( Dan Hill ) ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on R-Fansite. Listen to: Superman - Five For Fighting Still, tired... why. I hope, my strength wont leave me again... I hope I dont have to fall back into that pit and hurt myself again. I hope I never return to hurt them again. I hope they will just forget me and be happy with themselves. But if they do that, and I discover, I will cry. Because then I'll know I really wasnt anything to them, I just let them become something to me. Up, up and away... away from me. Monday, March 25th, 5:33 am. Superman by Five for Fighting, it really touched my mind, even though in my mind I saw the lyrics as completely different. Its about, 'Superman' trying to find whats within himself, that makes him special. Within being not the super powers, or the costume or the prestige. Well, as much prestige as that costume can afford anyway. Every time that I find something Keishinkae has left behind, its like another stab to my heart. No I dont mean my physical heart I mean my emotional heart. My motivation. While I was jealous of her drawring single pictures for other people, she'd drawn half a dozen for me. While I told a I strongly reccomend, that if you are the person I promised, that you go check out Magz' latest layout. Dont worry about reading the text, that's his and his alone. However the layout is a wonderful statement in itself. Life is a rollercoaster, and your ticket is already paid. You have no control over any of the twists and turns. The only thing you can control is how you see it. The toxin is in my drug again. He's bad news, but just said he's leaving. If only it were true. If only it had come sooner. Then again while he was around he provided a good reason for me to leave. Especially the first time. If only I hadnt gone back, I wouldnt be hurt, and I wouldnt be stuck there again. I wouldnt have known the pain my departure caused. ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on R-Fansite. Listen to: Superman - Five For Fighting Still, tired... why. Its your world, and in your world you are made in the image of a god. You can control how you see your world and thus can control the world itself. Dont give your power away like a fool. The world isnt out to get you. There is infinite treasure waiting for you to see, that the world is in your mind. Your mind is in your body and your body is on the world. lie to try to make your life make sense... Monday, March 18th, 4:09 am. Truth is relative to perspective. But have you ever got the feeling that some peoples truths are forced onto you? I dont like it. I dont like having anything forced on me. So I know this person, and when he argues, he seems to take the exact words you want to say to him, then shout them at you. Its confusing, a little at least. It pisses me off, because he's either trying to be clever, or he's really just that stupid. When I say stupid, I mean really stupid. There's another guy, who'll never give up an arguement. Even when he's wrong he wont concede defeat. There's another guy, who ranks people rapidly, when he himself isnt perfect. The reason I dislike all these people is because their bad points are my bad points. I can only really dislike in another what I dislike in myself. But I dont want to be like these people, they're real assholes. At least I make an effort to be happy, at least I make an effort to be pleasent and nice. I never want to be a hypocryt... which is probably what I am in somebodies' truth. ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on FF Project, UC2 and Idea X. Listen to: This is your life. (Fight Club.) Still, tired... why. Damaged hearts, we are societies decay. However we can repair ourselves if we try. The moment we become whole, our world will be changed. The goal. Sunday, March 17th, 12:06 am. There's a goal in mind with all this, oh yes. I want to be the best at something. Of coarse I know, there's nothing I can do better than everybody else. I make sites, people make better. I draw pictures, people draw better. I write stories, people write better. So what is the goal. I want to be a mountain, something that will last as long as the planet, something unforgettable. Somebody who will leave a mark. Not likely. So I'm left, trying to do the best I can before it ceases to be fun. But am I a working in a circle? Everytime I start a project, by the end I loathe the project so. Its like every step I take leaves me less momentum to carry me over the line. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. Im probably going to update this site in the next 24, again. Its so much easier to update this than it is to update my bigger projects. (Namely: BSE and UC2.) The other sites are just so huge and bulky that me changing every page and filling out the bulk of every data is like me trying to build a pyramid on my own. Its to much for me to enjoy, and its only pourpose is a coffin for once Im gone. Roleplay without a 'goal' seems so pointless, its like swimming in circles. Roleplay with those who dont understand is like bashing your head against a brick wall. Roleplay with friends, is always better over a table. ToDo list: Update personal Project sites. Continue work on FF Project, UC2 and Idea X. Listen to: This is your life. (Fight Club.) Minute Based Battle. Honor, pride in yourself and your self image. Being yourself and being strong for it. These are things men will admire.These are things that will make you strong. Be happy within yourself, and people will want to be around you. Because you are already strong enough to hold up your world. Remebering hate. Thursday, March 14th, 1:35 am. Strangely, the roleplaying that seems my bane has for the past few days been my joy. Its a chat roleplay that I've been going to on a daily basis since I was in darwin and it consumes the second largest amount of my time (right next to sleep.) But for the past few days, its actualy been pretty decent. Basicly a DBZ based RP started up and most of the good roleplayers are in on it meaning I can enjoy a bit of decent chat roleplay without worrying about people who dont even know the basics. Its simplicity, but complex enough that I enjoy it. Sweet. However, while I've been RPing somethings been happening to a person near me. Basicly she thinks I'm ignoring her. I hate that. It kinda makes me wonder what she wants from me when she says she wants to be friends. I treat her like a friend. I treat her like I treat all my friends. Heck, I often treat her better than I treat my friends. Im a busy person, the only time I've got my mind on one single thing is when Im either reading or roleplaying. I'm back to asking myself, how do I define my friends from those people I just hang around with. Well, for a start my friends are limited. I may care for a lot or people but I can count my real friends on one hand. A friend to me, is somebody who I can count on, somebody who can count on me. Somebody I can share things with and feels comfortable to share with me. Somebody that I trust, and my trust is a very fragile thing. Now that I think about it, I would have a lot more friends if I didnt include the trust part on that list. So I suppose she's more of an associate I try to be nice to because we used to be friends. This sucks, its totally messing with my head now and distracting what could be the best part of my day. ToDo list: Get my mind off this awful stuff. Listen to: This is your life. (Fight Club.) Tell me what you want from me, or I'll tell you to go away. Enough is enough. The closer people are to use, the more easily they can hurt us. Just a word from one within my heart can shatter my pleasent emotions for the day. This is why trust is so important, because people close to my heart have so much power over me. Barbarian poetry. Monday, March 11th, 12:05 am. I feel like a barbarian poet. Amoung the circles I move constantly, I'm a scholar, a respected intelligence. Infact, thats my best quality. (As I see it.) However, as soon as I leave these circles, and travel to a place that puts an emphasis on learning. I am still what I am... a barbarian. I am big, clumsy and stupid, the second I meet a greater poet. I used to let my ego get the better of me whenever this occurred, only proving the original point. One such time this occured was when I tried to join the 'Evangelion Quest' Evangelion RPG. I like Evangelion, infact you could say Im on the brink of love, with Evangelion. My first experiance with web-based roleplay was sifting through the many Evangelion RPG's in search of one which seemed to have a bit of quality. The first one I actually joined was ' Lorsavasus' Evangelion RPG Which is long since dead even though the site is still there. I'm 'Nixon', sensing a character theme? When the Lorsav' RPG crushed under the ego of a certain 'Janitor' who I'll name if I please after what she did. I decided to go try and join the Evangelion Quest game, which my mate Magz reccomended highly. I tried, and was rejected. I was embarrassed for sure, I think I may have embarrassed Magz to. But I just loved Evangelion that much that I had to try. So I slunk away in shame. Anyway, recently I asked another person I know who is associated with that game (Fox-lee) how she found the game. She told me that she quit because it was going to fast for her. This game... is now mocking me. Not only is it run by the seemingly perfect GM, but its also more of a fan-fiction which goes to fast for some people to keep up. Its like that ideal prize that lurks just out of reach. I havent tried again to join it yet, because I am a barbarian, with a sense of what is right and wrong. I wouldnt want to embarrass Magz by being a 3-time reject. What happened to my strength, why does it leave me in the face of a greater more accomplished strength. I know I have it in me to do things well, I suppose just lately I have become lax... so lax that I am just a weak barbarian of simple mind. I spoke to a fellow player in G3 to help me put away such ideas of applying again. He told me, from a GM point of view that Im very advanced compared to the average player. However the Average player is a moron who cant string a sentance together and doesnt get the first rule of roleplay. ToDo list: Get my mind off this awful stuff. Listen to: Castles in the sky. If I were the bringer of apocalypse, I would choose now to rise. To show the people the meaning of hate, the meaning of revenge. Why... why cant they see further than the circle. Each and every life on earth is precious beyond any gold, any jewels or any notion of revenge. We are humanity, the most advanced race on the planet. I wish though, that I could forgive them, and have them forgive each other. When we disturb a reflecting pool, our disturbance distorts every reflection in it. Nothing is left un-touched. The world is a reflecting pool, if we keep distorting it with hate then eventualy we wont have the right to call our-selves human. The distorted reflection will only show monsters. The diary. Friday, March 8th, 11:26 pm. A while ago, I kept a diary. It was quite a long time ago now that I think about it, it was just a small excericse book where I doodled small images of the weather and wrote small amount on the goings on of each day... I was in grade three. Living in a small country town called Ballarat just two hours train ride from central melbourne. I went to a catholic school, where I got the fear of the lord drummed into me. But I've moved off the train of thought. I had a diary, it lasted for a good few months, right up until the end of the year, though I had run out of room by then. I came back to it, almost a year later, maybe more. I read through it comparing it to the memories letting it drag up things I had hoped to forget. I came to a conclusion that still follows me today. Who wrote that diary, had an evil heart. They didnt go around doing things like injuring the elderly, but every part of their life was filled with malice and hate, pride. So much of it that he couldnt have a real friendship. To much hurt just below the surface, to much poison in the blood. Now Im looking at myself again, and I havent changed a bit. But now, I know Im like this... and its twice as bad for it. Because I know about it, I try to surpress it, but I cant seem to get away from my own poisoned blood. For the first two or so months in -I^2-'s history I kept a secret, second diary where I wrote my inner-most thoughts. Because I know, that if I know people will read something I write, I will write it with the reader in mind. I dont want that, If I do that I'll just be like all those sheep out there who just find it easier to believe that they can just fall back on evil, without trying to save themselves, and hope someday that somebody rescues them. ToDo list: Get my mind off this awful stuff. Get more members into Team CT. Listen to: Adam's song -Blink 182. To them I say: Nobody can save you, from yourself. Nobody will even try to if your evil pushes them away. To this end, I must decide, to either destory all traces of -I^2- from existance, or accept now that people are reading my mind... and accept that sometimes, I will drop propoganda. Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand and wrong solutions. Friday, March 8th, 10:05 pm. There's a reason I stopped watching the news. In this world there are millions of people, millions who have more power than I. Millions of people who think independantly, act independantly, live in dependantly... only rallying to a flag when its already to late. Humans are, a complex problem. While many people know that I have an auto-dislike to things that are popular in the majority, what many people dont know is that if I find something worthy of me liking it I will like it, once the masses move onto the next big fad. Yes, I like Pokemon. Yes, I like Sailor Moon. Yes, I like Dragon Ball Z. Yes, I like Final Fantasy 8. (even though its battle system sucks to use.) Yes I like dubbed anime. Yes I like N*SYNC... well I dont really know who they are but just one song has grown on me... I have a lot of likes that often frown upon. Likes that I dont often show in public because its embarrasing for an 'Aussie Guy' to like big fluffy teddy bear jumpers and pansy soppy Savage Garden music. But given the chance and an open mind, I could change peoples perspectives on these things... When I look at why people dislike them I realize its just the other side of the coin I hate. People are sheep, just like me, they dont want to lead themselves or anyone else. If you've ever spoken to me, you may have found out that I dont like Americans. Oh sure, I've spoken to enough caring intelligent people from America that I dont just go around saying 'America sucks' and yes, when that plane hit that tower I did feel sorry for all those people that died. However revenge on a national level is wrong... You cant pay for a life lost by taking another from somebody else. Bush is covering up his own... agenda. With national propaganda. Infact, if I were Bush right now I'd be damn thankful that a few thousand people died to take the eyes off his fucking around like a cowboy of the nuclear age. Just because nobody is watching doesnt make it right. We do not inherrit this planet from our fathers, we borrow it from our children. Its the truth, and the sad fact is we as humans are more likely to wipe ourselves off the face of the earth than any sort of doomsday giant meteor scenario. I have a voice, I wont let myself become a sheep. I just wish, there was a place beyond all this... where I could make a real difference. ToDo list: Get my mind off this awful stuff. Get more members into Team CT. Listen to: Adam's song -Blink 182. Update Blue Sky: Earth. Play -any- computer games I get my hands on. Update -I^2-. Lend your voices, only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your life with love and bravery and you will lead, A life uncommon. Why to I believe in fictional love, and fictional hero's? Because there's only ever been one man to walk a really heroic path on this earth. All the rest just followed in his footsteps. Dwarfed by the shadow of his love alone. No wonder they call him the Son of God. I remember love... Wednesday, March 6th, 9:24 pm. Humans may have won their existance through wars that would have crushed less determined races. Humans may have reached out and colonized the stars beyond that which their ancestors could have imagined. But humans, for all their victories, remained exactly what they were. Human. So now the stage has been set, I'd like to introduce you all to Macross Plus. I remember watching the original 'Robotech' (Complete with bad dubbing.) When I was much younger, I was really quite a fan and still have some of the toys. This was before, I even knew what dubbing was. I loved it. It was spectacular, it was a story beyond anything I'd ever heard and characters died... no matter how much you loved them... they died. It was a war of the worlds, cities crumbled, heroic pilots took fight from the SDF-1 and fought immeasurable numbers of enemies on a wing and a prayer. Then I grew up, and I can no longer enjoy the original. However, it seems like it grew up with me when I think about 'Macross Plus'. Unlike every other Robotech I remeber seeing, Macross Plus is not set against the backdrop of a overly strong alien race trying to wipe out humanity. Its very much, a story of individual people, who struggle with their lost youth and ideals. Its a gorgeous series (4 parts.) Which was combined into an awe inspiring movie. Do yourself a favor, go get it - Now! Go on, this site will still be here when you get back. On other notes, the reason behind my lack of updates is this general feeling of -urgh-. Urgh is a rather heavy bloated thing which sits onto of a large block. This block is name designers block. Its made of to much thinking about things I dont want to do and not enough doing things I enjoy. Despite how much -I^2- has grown over the past months its still my lowest priority. My inner cat made me try to guese who Magz' 'Annael' is. I had a list of people who had known him around the same time as I had... amazingly, her's was the last name I read out. This was no short list either, there had to have been at least 20 people on it. I never really knew her anyway, but its nice to know that people connect. ToDo list: Complete Team CT site. Begin work on Special Project F. Re-start halted work on the UC-Team site. Post in the FFPBeM. Update Blue Sky: Earth. Play -any- computer games I get my hands on. Update -I^2-. I wont forget the past. I cant forget, love and pride. Each time I fall, I stand, missing another piece of myself. Carrying instead another burden. A pain that nobody but myself knows about. Another sin, which I will not let others forgive me for. This is my darkness... and it tortures me. |
| Do you remember... love? |