Captain's log: 7th October, 2002.
Irresponsible Captain Catslug.
11:56 pm-Subject: Education
Well, after successfully not touching my site for months on end Im finally back. Maybe. I've been so busy with my coarse that I've just had no time to do anything of an acceptable level to me with my site. So, Im still surfing along with the old designs. I must say, when I look back that far I wonder, was that really me? I dont feel flighty, more tired.
ToDo List:
First: Its all Yonagi, its all about making a new design. But before that there's schoolwork to be done.
Armoured Heart: Alexander.
Come to me, rest under my wings and I will protect you. You can live within me and find what you're searching for... the meaning of life. While you are within my armoured heart though, commit no wrong, or I will be broken.
How can people try to be the 'Hero' when they act like assholes the rest of the time. Its so hard to feel pity for them. Perhaps they dont derserve the forgiveness that they dont want anyway.
Captain's log: 9th April, 2002.
Irresponsible Captain Catslug.
11:56 pm-Subject: Stamina
I should be on top of the world, but I'm not. I should be singing for joy, but Im not. I should be over the moon, but I'm not.
There is no reason for me to be unhappy. Im not hungry, Im not lonely, Im actualy getting out and about. I should be happy.
But I'm not.
Today, I lay on the double bed in the spare room, holding one of the huge L shaped pillows and imagining what it would actualy be like to hug her. Just let the world slip by with another person in my arms. It was nice for as long as I kept my eyes closed and my mind focased on reinforcing the illusion.
Magz' been helping me work on my motivation to continue designing. Thanks Magz. *Waves.* I wonder what it would be like to sit down at my table and have a meal with you.
ToDo List:
First: Find motivation, without that Im not going anywhere.
I may, just empty 'Yonagi' for a while so I dont feel the pressure to fix, and restore all the awful awful colors.
To anyone I promised work to: The deal's off, I only do commission work on things that inspire me... right now Im very hard to inspire.
Captain's log: 1st April, 2002.
Irresponsible Captain Catslug.
6:21 pm-Subject: Perspective.
A few weeks ago, I was discussing an old design with Courag, group 3's GM. He said simply, that the text was too difficult to read ont he background. However the way I saw it the text was just fine. I altered it a little the way I thought it needed to be, and he said it looked worse. I started to get a little suspicious then. I said, maybe its my screen, it has taken a beating and been all over australia. He told me not to blame the screen and gave me some book titles to go seek out.
Weeks went by.
A little closer to now, I was discussing an old design with Magz, he said: Its to low contrast. I just couldnt see it. Again it looked fine to me. I just thought Magz had weird tastes, or it could be his laptop's screen, as Im aware laptops do make things look different.
Weeks went by.
The other night Magz showed me some weird eternal life device based on magnetism. I said it wasnt so far fetched because I know both the earth's magnetic field and that of high-voltage powerlines can have an effect on the human body.
Today, I started filddling with my screen for no real reason. When I found an option called: Demagnetize. It all fell into place. My screen has been all across Australia without an ounce of care from me. Australia is no small place. Heck, I'd say its pretty big myself. All this time, I've been looking at things through a screen, that's been set to handle the electromagnetic fields of my home in victoria, while living in two other states far far away.
So I demagnetized. You know what I am now? Im really... really spewin. (Ausy slang.) All the design's I've done... all the work and all the ones I was happy with. Its all crap, because how I saw it on my screen the colors were deeper and darker. I've even been painting with blue instead of BLACK. It shows on everything. All the pages I was once proud of. They look so bad, I can see now what Courag and Magz were talking about.
Gaaaaah, if only it hadnt taken so long for me to work out.
ToDo List:
First: Remake all the designs.
Second: Rest, apologise to Magz.
Third: Team Pokemon work.
Fourth: Eva-Quest application.
Fifth: Eat chocolate.
Sixth: FFPBeM stuff.
Warning, there's a chip on my shoulder.
*shudder.* So many designs to re-make... Im so ashamed for not realizing.
Captain's log: 30th March, 2002.
Irresponsible Captain Catslug.
11:33 pm-Subject: My own truth.
Gullible (1 or 2) If someone told the character the sky was red with one polka dots and the world was flat, they’d believe it. A character suffering from this disadvantage has a bad tendency to fall for lies and tricksters. For one disadvantage, the character is smart enough not to fall for lies that openly defy common knowledge (“The world is flat” or “the moon is made of cheese”). The two-point version means the character will fall for nearly anything.
Extract from: Returners FFRPG system.[X]
There's another word for this, its called having an open mind. Perhaps in some cases being to trusting. I'm not afraid to say it now, I'm gullible. I fall for things way to often, and not just little things either. At least they seem big to me. This may be why I find it so hard to trust people once they've hurt me.
" Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Quote somebody else.
When I think about myself, and what I wanted myself to become, it was fairly clear. I want to be somebody people look up to. Somebody people come to for advice and who people respect. For lack of a better way to say it a 'Rainy day man' (Its a song from Sailor Moon.) Somebody who can support other when they need it and need nothing in return. The way I see it, I've fallen pretty far from that ideal. You see, unlike the ideal, I become attached to anyone I lend a shoulder to.
I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to empty my guts into the toilet many times over. I awoke, because the feeling affected my dreams. It went from some pleasent nothingness to a fast blur of images assaulting my senses. Rather like a few short movies I've caught on EatCarPet (SBS's late night short films show.) It was unpleasent, and I dont want to feel that again. I suppose I should avoid the combination of tomato-sauce on salted corn-chips.
Sometimes, without even trying people can put a hole in you. With every action there's a chance we'll hit a raw nerve on somebody else. I had an experiance like this just recently. A-chan, decided to send me an MP3 of a song she was hooked on. (The Special Ones - George) Listening to it was like, being stabbed, right on target. You see, the song's about a girl, who's telling a guy she's not going to put up with his hurtful manipulative shit. Why it struck me so powerfully. Is because that guy is perhaps the embodyment of everything about myself that I hate. I can be manipulative sometimes, though I try constantly not to be. It's an ok song except for that strange empty metal bucket sound effect that interupts the song every now and again.
ToDo List:
First: Rest, recover... revive.
Second: Draft sheet for character.
Third: Oogle at pretty females.
Fourth: Think about you.
Fifth: Buy food... hungry.
Sixth: Start Memory Green.
A-chan, Im sorry I reacted so harshly to you after I listened to the song. It was really cheap of me.
The Karate Kid is a great series, though I think they should have ended the series of movies at number 2.
Everybody wants to live forever. Nobody seems to know just want to do with all that time.
Captain's log: 28th March, 2002.
Irresponsible Captain Catslug.
4:47 am-Subject: Origin.
Stuff happens, nobody really controls a lot of it. Real control is an illusion, when its not an illusion its often associated with evil. Things like magic, drugs, dictatorships and manipulation all fall in this catagory. But why is it so? Power corrupts.
Magz [X] wrote in his blog that an 'id insulator' was on the cards for somebody he knows... I cant help but wonder if that's me. My last few posts were so poorly written that when I look back on them I think I was in some kind of frenzy posting delirium, so it isnt to hard to picture. Though, even though the writting is bad I still believe the idea is sound. The fact that we as humans can change our reality on a whim is completely true. No, we cant do stupid stuff like turn dirt into chocolate, but we can change the things that are in our lives that are making us unhappy. We can change what makes us feel. If not through changing our perspective then by actualy doing something about it.
Walking through the park two days ago, I was stopped by the sounds of violent men beyond the treeline. Somebody shouting for help and sounds of metal colliding. Instantly my courage was gone. I couldnt continue my walk and I only wanted to go home. Such violence scares me, so close to home. However, as I moved to a safer location it struck me: Do for others, as you want them to do to you. I walked across to the nearest house and asked the occupant to call the police, then, the rather large man who occupied the house decided to walk down and check out the disturbance and I accompanied him.
We didnt do much but console the victim, who had jumped in the stream in his struggle to escape a carload of pitchfork wielding hooligans. The point of the story is, that even though we couldnt do anything directly we still did something to help.
ToDo List:
First: Fix the broken promise.
Second: Draft sheet for character.
Third: Oogle at pretty females.
Fourth: Cuddle the person that needs.
Fifth: Buy food... hungry.
Sixth: Start Memory Green.
These are accurate to the extreme, you should know what I mean if you're the person related to the item.
First, I'd just like to say that this strange tired feeling has sapped me of any drive to do anything but sleep. To accomidate, I've stopped work on all the projects I started recently, if I owe you something then I apologise and ask that you email me directly to discuss the options.
Lately, it feels like if I tell people that Im going to do something, Im dooming it to never be finished.
